As soon as we knew you were coming we knew who you were: Kaylee Dawn O’Shaughnessy. We knew you were the little sister that your big sister and brothers had been wanting, the other daughter your mother had longed for.
We had been watching Quest for Camelot and realized how perfect the name Kaylee would be for you, combining your mother’s middle name, Kaye, with a portion of the names of the three older children, Stephen Lee, Leighann and Calvin Esley. You fit right in from the beginning.
You were about four weeks old when we found out you were coming. During the next four weeks we planned the adjusted sleeping arrangements, checked to see what infant furniture and toys we needed to replace since your older brother was a couple of years old by now, and discussed all the things we needed to do to prepare our world for your entry, to make everything perfect.
We knew exactly who you would be, where you would go, and how much we wanted you. What we didn’t know was that you would never arrive. We got to see you once, as through a glass darkly. You looked perfect and still, but you shouldn't have been still yet. Our hearts longed for you, but yours didn’t beat.
The day we knew you weren’t coming was Valentine’s Day.
You didn’t seem to want to go. You took your time leaving, and there was a lot of pain for your mother. It was like the pain of childbirth, but lasted longer and left our arms empty instead of full. We still had the sleepless nights because of crying, but it was us that were crying, not you.
We never got to prepare a place for you, not even a final resting place. We were only able to memorialize you later, when the memory of you had receded to the point of less than constant pain. I could have never spoken like this to you then. Trying to have the words come out of me would have been the same pain for me as the pain your mother had during your departure.
We never got to see you in person, to watch you grow, to watch you sleep. We cared for you, but you weren’t there to be cared for. But we know where you are now, and we’ll see you when we arrive at the place prepared for us by our Father. And we know that, although we cannot care for you now, Kaylee Dawn O’Shaughnessy, your angel always sees the face of our Father who is in Heaven.